Could You Use a Friend Right Now?

I want to share my heart with you today. I will warn you, my heart is feeling very heavy at the moment. It may be because I just signed off of FaceBook and after reading through the array of posts that people have left in so many grief groups, and knowing if only they knew they could reach out and talk to me, I could help them.

With that said, I guess I could use a friend right about now. You see, I journal a lot, and I know the power of putting my thoughts and what I am feeling on paper. So today, you are simply reading a blog, that I would normally be journaling. I want to thank you in advance, for being that friend, and taking the time from you busy life to read how an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist is feeling.

I have sat here for several minutes just trying to identify exactly what it is I am feeling. It's all mixed up to be honest. I read things like, "Thank you for accepting my request.

I lost my niece, who was like a sister to me on Sept. 15, 2021, lost a very close cousin on Oct. 14, 2021, lost another niece Dec. 5, 2021, Lost my big brother Jan. 14, 2022 and on April 4, 2022 lost my mother-in-law! I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes." Written by a young lady who is in obvious pain and doesn't know what to do, how to feel, or where/who to start grieving.

The replies are generally the same, "Sorry for your loss. Praying for you." Or the members of the group rush in with replies like, "I know exactly how you feel ... I lost several members of my family too and ..." (Suddenly, it's all about their loss) I just want to scream and say, "Excuse me, NO. You don't know how she feels ... You may have had a niece die, a big brother die, and a mother-in-law die, and you knew how YOU felt, but you DO NOT know how she feels."

So now that I am releasing some of my frustrations today, the emotion that is coming up inside of me is helpless. You see, I can't solicite what I do for a living in someone elses Support Group Page because that is tacky and unprofessional. I try to reply with compassion and understanding for what the person is going through at the time. Simply have a conversation with them, on a public forum is like trying to eat a nice steak in front of a pack of starving dogs. Everyone will jump in and give their opnion, tell us how to feel, what to do, or just say sorry for your loss.

There have been so many times when someone will refer a friend they know who has just buried a family member and ask me to reach out to them. I try to remind them that their intentions are hearfelt, but their friend may not be ready to talk. I don't like pushing my services on people while they are still trying to come to grips with a devastating loss of a loved one. They don't know me, much less trust me with something so personal as their current grief. It's a hard place for me to be placed and I know what I offer will be helpful, but grief recovery requires action. Sometimes the loss has one feeling so overwhelmed, they have trouble breathing, eating, sleeping, and they isolate to avoid being asked, "So, how are you doing today?" Worst possible question to ask a grieving person.

Why? Because they'll look at you and say, "I'm fine." or "Thank you for asking, I am doing as good as expected." You see, the grieving person knows if they begin to open that pandora box of emotions, you'd take off running. So many times, a grieving person seeks out therapy, only to be handed a prescription for depression. No tools to process the relationship with the person who died, just a 60 minute session, being listened to, and paying a high price for no real, long lasting results. There are very few therapists who actually take the time to really help their clients process deep, debilitating grief without a prescription.

You may be asking why I am not a fan of medication? I've been there, with my own therapist. What she didn't understand is when I told her, "Why would you ask me to take pills? My head isn't broken, my heart is." I got that deer in the headlights look, and she replied, "Well, they'll make you feel better and help you forget about the pain for while." My next question was, "What happens when the prescription runs out?" She let out a big sarcastic breath and literally said, "I can refill it for you or you can find another therapist." WOW!!

I did the math after I left her office. I was paying her $95.00/hr. We met each week for 11 months. She listened, took an in depth look at my family history, and at the end, wanted me to fill a prescription for anti-depressants. I had no real answers outside of what I already knew and I ended up paying her $4,180.00 out of pocket as she did not take insurance, and my insurance did not cover grief therapy.

Expensive lesson for me as I was going through a divorce and ending a 33 year marriage, my mom had died, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law had died, my dog had just been put to sleep at the age of 15 years, and my three children were all moved out and married. My home was more like an empty tomb as all the rooms that were once filled with laughter, deep conversations, and so much love were now empty. I guess that's why they refer it as The Empty Nest. It felt to me as if I had lost my identity as a daughter, wife, mother, and friend.

I left her office that day feeling even more lost ... I had lost time, energy, and money and still didn't have any real answers. So if you are thinking of seeing a therapist, ask if they specialize in grief and loss. Can they truly show you how to heal your broken heart, and give you tools to help you rebuild your life. Your life is going to be forever changed and you will not know exactly what it looks like until you get your vision for it.

That is part of my frustration is knowing I can help, but when people see the words Grief Recovery, they don't know what that is and usually go with what they know. Therapy and pills. It's sad, but if that works for them, who am I to say what they need? I don't. I just know it wasn't what I needed. Grief is a personal journey for each one of us. Some of us truly want to see what it's like to recover from a loss. Others may simply want the pain to stop and the pills will do. I am not judging anyone, and we all do what we think works the best for us.

Addictions form during a deep loss, so be careful what you fill that pain with. Alcohol numbs just as good as those pills. Some turn to pornography, gambling, shopping, you name it. Other may eat their emotions until they decide to get to the root cause of trying to fill that hole. I hate the helplessness I feel knowing I can help, but it's like when someone tells you they have a headache. So you offer them an aspirin to help with their pain ... they refuse the help and remain in the pain. I know I just made a reference to taking a pill, but admit it, and aspirin in not mind altering medication.

I share all of this to simply ask, Could you use a friend right now? A friend that's been through a life time of grief, a friend who made all those mistakes trying to make the pain go away, ate those emotions, spent a lot of money of therapy which does make a person feel better during the session because someone listened, but in the end, walked away broke, with no tools. It was all short term relief for me.

The frienships I've made while helping people just like you, take a deep look at the relationship with the person(s) who have died, and showed them how to say goodbye to the pain of any lingering guilt, shame or unmet expectations, and now they can look back and enjoy the good times. That's powerful work that gets done in 6-7 weeks based on the action steps one is willing to take.

Thank you for reading my frustrations, and helplessness I am currently experiencing. It's hard to deal with the facts that I know I can help the hundreds of thousands of people, but they choose to remain in their comfort zone and are not willing to receive the tools to heal they so desperately need. Maybe I am experiencing my own grief in knowing I am at a loss of being able to help them. So I will end this and begin my own grief work with that said.

Let me know if you're ready to get out of all the advice you've been given about grieving. You know, those things like time heals, being strong for others, or staying busy. I'll still be around when you're ready to do take proven action steps.

I normally end with the ending of from my heart to yours, but this time it's feeling like it's from your heart to mine. I deeply appreciate you being a friend.

Kim